Can I get an amen?

Dude, Bibles are expensive. 

I just spent the better part of an hour in a Barnes and Noble looking for a Bible since mine is unfortunately in a storage unit in Poughkeepsie. As I was oscillating between the Bible section and the adjacent pregnancy section (one would prove too embarrassing then I would go back to the other) I learned the following lessons:

1. Contractions don’t stop after birth. Seriously. People can still have contractions for several days afterwards. Ew.
2. It’s really popular to put the words of Christ in red.
3. Sometimes baby boy fetuses have erections. And fetuses of both sexes have been found to masturbate in the womb, which adds a whole new level of what-the-fuck-ew-gross to pregnant sex. Ewwww.
4. Shakespeare was rumored to have helped on the King James bible, which was released five years before his death.
5. Babies’ eyes change colors. But actually though. Seriously. That’s some Edward Cullen shit up in here.
6. Evidently ‘Bibles for women’ are really popular. I almost bought one, but I don’t know how well I would have been able to read it through all the tears.
7. The whole ‘pregnant for nine months’ thing is really more of an estimate than anything else. Pregnancies have lasted for over a year. Ew.
8. BIbles can be: under $15, reasonably legible, or of a veritable translation that does not contain creepy ‘study questions’ or cite Glenn Beck’s opinion on the matter. You can only have two. 

Long story short, I ended up coming to own an intense, deep-seated fear of pregnancy/babies and an $8 New King James Bible which is written in approximately three point font. Also, the cashier commented on my purchasing of a Bible, to which I responded “Oh…yeah…you know…Jesus…” before my ringtone (which happens to be the first four seconds of this song) happened and then he just kind of looked confused and forgot to give me a receipt. Which I realized thirty seconds after leaving the store. This concerned me since I wanted to go check for a better deal at Half-Price Books because this may have been the most Jewish purchase of a Bible ever to happen to the world, or at least to Overland Park, Kansas. Anyway, when I went back to ask for it, he kind of glared at me and I was like “Oh…I mean…in case I need to return…you know…like…the word of God?” and then he fished it out of the trash and probably thought about how I was going to hell.

So yeah. We’re off to a flying start.